Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
