On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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