I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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