You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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