Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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