i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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