If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
