Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
