I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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