Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
