I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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