Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
