4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I smell like Dick and happiness
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
