the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
