I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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