We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
