You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
