Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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