I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
