if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
