i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize