Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They have beer where we have blood.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
