Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
