I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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