we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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