pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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