Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
