you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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