You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
third nipple confirmed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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