My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
