I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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