your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
