Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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