I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
