I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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