It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
