so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
