how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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