I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
