I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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