My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
