I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
They have beer where we have blood.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
