I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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