just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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