why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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