I'm sorry my penis didn't work
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize