I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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