Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
