i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
