Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize