I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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