She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I want to make a zoo with you.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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