There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Drunk is a universal language darling
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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