Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
