Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
