Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
